Jaime and the war at home
Meet Jaime. Jaime is a 25-year old Asian-American woman from the South-East Pacific. She immigrated at an early age. Because of this, she did not carry the accent from her native land with her. Her stature is short and she leans toward the thin side. Currently, she is not married. Jaime’s job has her working at a computer for most of the day. She is very intelligent and has had no significant behavioral or physical problems.
Jaime is very sociable and maintains a close relationship with a circle of friends that she has had since her middle school years. Her education has been primarily done in the public school realm, with a brief stint in a private college. After graduating, she traveled for a year to see the world by herself. The entire time, she kept in touch with her family and friends via frequent updates at internet cafés. She is a very artistic individual; often dabbling in hobbies that involve painting or design.
After she finished traveling, Jaime went back home to live with her parents. Eventually, she would find a modestly paying job at a local company an hour’s commute away. For the most part, nothing was really different than from when she was going to school. Jaime began dating a nice young Asian American gentleman, but did not let her parents know. She feared they would disapprove seeing as how they were already very strict with her just visiting her friends. Eventually Jaime began to feel dissatisfied with her current living conditions. She had gotten used to her independent lifestyle from her traveling days. Her parents made this dissatisfaction worse by regularly chastising her for the frequency and the length of time she would go out with her friends. Things had to change.
With much consideration and discussion with her boyfriend, the couple decided to live together; away from their parents. At first, she tried to keep her decision secret from her parents. However, after an emotionally charged argument, she revealed her decision to move out. Mr. and Mrs. Jaime were…not amused, to say the least. This sparked a whole new set of arguments over a short period of time. Her father was sure that his daughter was a “wild woman” and claimed he did not know where he went wrong in raising his daughter to turn out in such a way. Her mother, in a betrayal-fueled moment, told Jaime that, “I wish I never gave birth to you!” These words cut deeply and hurt Jaime more than she expected. She didn’t think it was possible, but she was even more miserable than before.
Now, a problem arose for Jaime. She had stated her intention to move out, her parents all but disowned her, conversations between family members was scarce, and she still didn’t have a new place to live. Things were tense and Jaime found herself becoming more and more stressed and depressed as the days went by. Things went on this way for a few weeks; never seeming to improve. Finally though, the big day came and Jaime moved out to live with her boyfriend. Away from her silent parents, Jaime began to feel the familiar sense of freedom that she experienced while she traveled abroad. However, at the same time, there was a sense of grieving. Her relationship with her parents, she knew, would never be the same again.
Debrief
We see it all the time in the media. Many of us take it as a given ourselves. When children hit 18, it is time for them to strike out on their own. In commonly held mainstream cultural beliefs, it is almost seen as a failure that Jaime had not moved out at the ripe old age of 25. Her parents should have been thrilled that she had finally left the nest. But they weren’t. Why was this?
Typically, in collectivist cultures such as Jaime’s, the child’s roles are very clearly defined. There is also the notion of filial piety; a sense of duty and respect to ones parents and elders. To Jaime’s parents, an ideal child should listen to their parents and show them deference and respect. Furthermore, often children stay at home to help the family with their affairs until they are married. It is also not unusual for the married children to remain at home until they are able to afford their own housing. In the most traditional sense, what Jaime did was no short of an act of treason to the family state.
Questions to consider
- What’s your initial reaction to this story?
- Who do you side with: Jaime or her parents?
- How do you feel about the concept of filial piety?
- Put yourself in Jaime’s shoes:
- Your parents expect you to stay home until you’re married, all of your friends have moved out and are living on their own, and to top it off, mainstream American society is telling you you’ve failed in some way to be still living at home. To which value do you choose to adhere?
- You’ve just told your parents you want to move out and they’ve all but told you that you have betrayed the family structure. How does this make you feel?
- Your parents allowed you to travel abroad, but they do not want you to live on your own. Do you feel this is fair?
- Is their a place in mainstream (i.e. American) society for values that oppose each other?
- How would you make the decision about which values to follow?
- What would Jaime lose by choosing to follow mainstream culture? What about her heritage culture?